We’ve all heard the expression: "The grass is greener on the other side of the fence." People have a remarkable tendency to look at what their neighbors, friends and family members have or do, and feel envious. You may be envious of your neighbor’s new car, your cousin’s house in the country or your best friend’s wardrobe. What is really strange about being human is the feeling we get once we actually get those things that we have been envious of. We sort of scratch our heads and say, “I thought that having this would be better or feel better." The reason why we feel this way, quite frankly, is because the grass is really not greener on the other side. It is just as green or sometimes a lot less green. So what you have can often be as good as it gets.

When you are a person without children, your grass looks not just green to those with children, but pretty much like a luxurious emerald carpet. When you have kids, you imagine the world of those with no kids as this free life with no responsibility and no obligation. People with kids look at the kidless and can’t understand what they are so busy with. They don’t have to take anyone to the doctor, drive anyone to any after school activity, buy anyone the perfect snack for their lunch or get anybody the art supplies for that school project. No matter how well you explain what you have on your plate to the family member with children, they are never going to understand why you can’t babysit on Tuesday, watch the kids for the weekend while they go out of town, or just let them drop the kids off for an hour when they go to an appointment. You can tell them that you have an important meeting with a client, a conference where you are the keynote speaker or a trip planned the year before. No matter. They will be annoyed.

There is no sense trying to justify your life or explain it to the people who want your help with childcare. They are programmed to believe that you should be helping them and will not understand anything that you have to say. The only way to deal with them is to create really firm boundaries that you do not allow them to cross. Face it, no matter what you do to help a couple who is overwhelmed with taking care of their kids, it will not be enough. You will be talked about badly even if you do clear your calendar to watch your nephew with chicken pox so your sister in law can go to Pilates and buy groceries. If we know in advance that we won’t be appreciated by our family, no matter what we do, we might as well do what is good for us. Now most of us love our nephews and nieces- otherwise we wouldn’t be on this website, would we? So spending time with them is usually something that we look forward to. I am suggesting that we coach ourselves to make sure that we do not get stepped on or sucked into the vortex of guilt that only family obligation has the power to do.

Here are a few tips to keep you from turning into a live in nanny:

Practice Saying the Word "No"
This one sounds so obvious but in reality is the hardest thing to do. Many of us are pleasers and want to make the people in our families happy. We don’t want to rock the boat so we agree to do something even if it stresses us out. Practice saying no. You don’t need to be mean about it. Just learn how to agree to the things that make sense for your schedule.

Practice Pausing Before Answering
Many of us agree to do things without thinking about how it will impact us. Very often just saying, “Let me think about it” gives us enough time to evaluate if the request is something that we can fulfill. The pause can give you the space to make sure that you are saying yes only when you want to and not when you feel you should.

Practice Changing Your Mind
Once you have committed to doing something, there is no law that says you can’t change your mind. If you have agreed to help out a family member and it ends up being impossible, you can always call them and tell them that it just doesn’t work for you. This option should not be used often- unless of course you are trying to make yourself out to be the world’s most unreliable baby sitter. It is pretty awful if someone needs you, they don’t have any other options, and you cancel on them at the last minute. What I am suggesting is to call back as soon as possible to let the person know that you have reflected on their request and have realized that you can’t help them out this time.

Practice Using Caller I.D.
For those of us that need to rehearse our excuse and cannot withstand the pressure of family, screen those phone calls. When you see that a family member is calling, and you know that they are usually the ones who call you for help, don’t always pick up the phone right away. Call them back when you are ready to deal with their need. If you happen to pick up by accident because you are on another call and don’t check the incoming number, make sure to tell them that you are on the phone and will have to get back to them when you are able to open up your calendar.

As sad as it is to say, we need to train the members of our family not to pull us too hard and not to ask too much of us. The only way to train these people properly is to create boundaries that we stick to. After all, if only they knew what you had to accomplish in a day, they might rethink their opinion of the other side of the fence.